limbo.

well, hello.

i'm .. not sure of much at the moment. from where i'm really living, to whether i want to be recovering. but i think i need to come back here. i miss it. i miss you guys, if anyone's still out there.

so, i finished up an outpatient hospital program, 14 weeks there.

& it helped. i went from binging & purging every day, to being able to go a couple weeks without. i think maybe that since i refused to go to a more intensive treatment program, i probably didn't do as well as i could have. mine didn't do any work with body image, since half the people were obese. but, i stopped having to purge daily, & can now eat.

problem, now that i'm up to almost a "healthy" weight, i want to go back down. right back down. but since my body's been on a crazy >3000 cal plan to gain weight, if i restrict to 2000 i'm still getting really hungry. it's just really difficult for me to wrap my head around.

an odd thought:

the bigger i get, the more i'm disgusted with my body,
but the less action i take against it.

i'm not sure yet of what that really means for me & my future.

while in that program, i did meet a few wonderfull ladies who i am now good friends with. it's diffrent having friends that know about your ed & understand how you feel. like, we don't constantly talk about it, but it's compforting to know that when you're having trouble picking out food & eating, they're not judging you or thinking you're strange for it.

now i have a very patient doctor man psychiatrist who i go ramble off to twice a week, (gratefully covered by my government, thank you OHIP,) & two support groups that are not at all treatment based & quite nice. i've yet to really talk in them, but it's three hours a week of planned time, so i go.

however, my father would like me to move in with him, which would put me two hours away from the things i do now, like my program & my doctors & everyone i know. it's hard to wrap my head around since i've lived in the same city my whole life.

so, everything's in limbo, my thoughts, my actions, & my geographical position.
i'll try to straighten something out, & while i do that, i hope to continue writing here.
staystrong, page.