at 4:30am i finished purged my third binge/purge session of the evening.
i hate it.
i don't even enjoy eating anymore, at all. even if i'm not binging, i've just abused eating to the point where it's not eating & tasting & feeling satisfied.
purging isn't throwing up anymore, it's just the thing that happens after i eat.
it's 6:10am now. haven't slept.
my alarm clock just went off, guess that's 24 hours now. i have a test this morning, haven't studied. binge/purging take up too much of my time.
am i ever going to get a handel on this, or is this what i'll be like when i live by myself all the time?
(course not, i won't have binge food in the house. at least i think i wouldn't.)
i was hoping that visiting my dads, being around people all the time with one small broken-ish toilet that's loud to flush & backs onto the living room would denture me from purging. being around people all the time would hinder my ability to binge. but no, those visits haven't yet helped, i've just managed to find ways around everything.
i do get that i'm only doing this to myself.
that even when i'm mad at someone, the binging & purging isn't getting even with them, it's only further destroying me.
i really do get it, it's logic. i'm logical.
unfortunately there seems to be a part of my brain that isn't mine.
one part of my binges today involved three cakes. i bought three boxes of cake mix, & icing, & ate them all. & that was only a part of it.
please, please please,
someone fast with me?
i need to know that i can, that i'm not doomed to a cake mix hell.
i miss you guys more than i can explain, but i can't write when i don't deserve your support, when i'm too whiny like i am now.
i just need to move past this.
i have a referral appointment to an eating disorder clinic at north york general hospital on halloween.
for a binge ED.
i'm so tired with myself, i think i might tell them i throw up daily.
i just need that to stop.
but i'd much rather fix myself & not talk to people about it.
BAHHH.
fuck i'm sorry for rambaling guys, i'm just so damn tired.
please, someone make a goal for tomorrow with me.
i'm going to have my goal be zero calories. (i have a reunion thing [commencement] friday, i need to not be bloated & gross.)
but you make yours whatever. i don't need a fasting partiner as much as i would like a person who i could share support with.
PS, if you're in canada we can txt.
OK, i'll stop jabbering on now.
point is i love you all.
staystrong, page.
gotta go get ready to zombie off to school, wish me luck.
better yet, wish me a good nights sleep.
better yet, wish me a good nights sleep.
There is possibly no worse feeling than the binge/purge cycle. I'm pretty much daily now, too, and it's horrible. Hope you feel better. Good luck with the ED clinic!
ReplyDeleteHey lovely,
ReplyDeleteI am there too, I need to get out too,
I'm fasting tomorrow, if you want to join.
I know we can get out of this again. I know it.
xx
wooow! How did you manage to get to 44kg? I hardly fight with going down from 55kg to 53/52kg... I am huge compared to you... :((
ReplyDeleteStay strong. I know it's cheesy but it will get better. I've always struggled with binging/purging and I know it's awful. I'm like you, where I've purged myself to the point of disgusting myself with food (its hard to eat something when all you think about is what it looks like brought back up). I much prefer fasting and if you ever need a partner, I'd love to.
ReplyDeletebingeing and purging is hard, but you just have to remember that it's a vice, an addiction. everybody has one, you just have to get through it somehow.
ReplyDeletegood luck with the fasting!