OUT[patient].

today i finally went to the thing i've been putting of for months:

my psychiatric assessment.

first i had to watch my mother talk about me. all wrong. after a while of scratching & pinching myself under my sleeve, it stopped helping & i just couldn't take it any more. i was about to cry so i got up & asked where the washroom was. the social worker followed me out & showed me.

"hard to hear, all that stuff about you?"

"no, i just hadn't realized quite how little my mother actually knew about me. it's all wrong."

then i had to talk. my mother left the room & i sat on a comfy couch, dug my nails into the back of my neck, & tried to get coherent words out.

they decided to change my anti-depressants, to something with anti-anxiety too.

i'm being referred to an eating disorder clinic.

outpatient, so i can continue school.

i'm going for, a binge eating disorder. since no matter how many times they've asked, i still deny throwing up.

but now i'll be in a place, with people who specialize in eating disorders. who actually know the signs, what to look for & diagnose. & i'm sure they have to find people lying about the last time they ate/purged.

they're going to know what my scabbed & blistered knuckles are from. why my ears never pop & i can't hear. why my throat's always raw & my voice scratchy.

they'll be the ones to catch me.

i'm scarred.

has anyone ever been in an outpatient program at an eating disorders clinic? if so, could you tell me how that works or differs from a regular clinic? & is it likely that i would have to do a physical workup?

there's so much i want to tell you, i just can't find words. 

know that i am reading your posts. (though mostly well behind since there are so many.)

ok, comment time. going back months. so prepare yourselves. also, if i miss one, i'm sorry.

Isobel, when_in_rome (yeah canada!), Alex - thank you guys so much for all your kind words.

Amaris Starshine - "I'm getting desperate and wishing someone would chain me up and starve me over here." oh i'm so close to that. if i could just tell someone, & convince them that that honestly would be the better option for me i would in a heart beat.

Alicja - both of us seem to disappear for awhile but we're never back at the same time eh. thank you darling for calling me beautiful but you must know that you're amazing-beautiful too. hope to read more from you soon!!

Bella. - good advice you've given me, but i still cant bring myself to tell any close friends. though as you can see above, i have seen a specialist, so thank you. 

AB - "Nowadays, my needs are feeble, and that's much worse than having demanding needs...when your needs are so lost and exhausted, all of you is lost and exhausted." from my peers & family, that probably is the most often commented thing for me, that i can never say what i want. i can never decide, it's obvious i need something but i never want to put enough into finding out exactly what they are. lost & exhausted. that's a perfect way to put it, & i'm so sorry you feel that way too. thank you for reminding me that this is a safe place, & that instead of bottling things i should at least express them here. i can't say that i'll ever have the strength you described, to be ope & confedent, but i will try not to listen to the negative from others, & i'll try not to let it put me down. i hope that you're following your own advice, because it really was quite wonderful.

"Be you, because you are not alone and, by not shielding your weak side, you'll become confident; knowing that you don't have to hide will give you strength. In high school, you may be eaten alive by following that advice, but it's only because everyone at that age is insecure and broken and scared, and no one wants to show it. I just want you to understand that, sometimes, showing your weakness to the world will not curse you, it'll just make you human.
Admittedly, people out in the real world will not be nearly this supportive, but they will look up to you because of that strength and fearlessness to bare your soul."

-AB

i hope you're all dong well.
staystrong,
page.

97lbs.