i get that it's me.
i understand that i'm the one with the hand.
the hand that sutffs food down my throught.
my own throught.
it's my hand that stuffs food into me.
i get that it's my own hand that shoves it's fingers down my throught.
i know it's me who purges after i eat.
i cause that horrible process.
the whole damn thing.
i'm doing it, all of it.
i'm hating it, all of it.

so if it's me, if it's all entirly me, i do it all, to myself, all of it.
then why don't i get to tell my body to stop?

i beg, & plead with myself.
i tell myself, head over the toilet, that this hurts, that this is horrible, that i'm putting myself through this, that i know how bad it is, each & every time i stuff myself beyond what any person should be able to do. i hate it every time i get it out, every time i try to flip the way my body works, make food travel the wrong path, backwards through my body. i tell myself, this is it, no more. atleast for the day. i've eaten enough for the day, for days, so i won't eat the rest of the day, atleast won't purge for the rest of the day.
but i do.

i do, & i should be able to stop, i should ba able to stop myself, because i do this.

but i don't. cant?