so mother did drag me to the doctors so many weeks ago. i did cry.
& unlike the eating-that-much-is-stupid talk my mother expected/hoped the doctor would give me, i got a diagnosis of severe depression & some happy pills.
i weighed 109.5lbs on her scale.
i blocked most everything out before my birthday, just coasted to it thinking this would be my new start. unfortunately it hasn't gone as planned.
i started keeping a physical pen & paper diary on my birthday, & looking through it i can see that i have purged each & every day since despite my plan to grow up & leave uncontrollable binging behind me.
so lets see,
on my birthday i hung out with lucy & jay who got me cake making supplies (so i could assist in making my birthday cake) & 3$, enough for a 679+encore [lottery ticket] which i bought then.
the following day was my check in with my GP. i was all set to confess about my cutting, which hadn't stopped, & that my erratic eating continued, but i lost my courage. told her that it had helped my sleep, & that my mood had improved a bit. when asked about family history i had to say out loud that my father was an alcoholic. it's still hard to grasp. (we also talked about all the other family members addictions & depression.) she gave me another prescription for stress & anxiety attacks & more anti-depressants. she's going to send me to a counselor too. (thank you Alicja who already had recommended i look into that.)
funny side-note: i don't have a prescription plan so my doctor gives me a month worth of my anti-depressants in free test-pack form.
friday i was at my cousins for easter. when i got up i was talking to a guy who rents their house (my cousins don't live there, they own it but we had just stopped in for the night,) & he was saying that he had bought way too much fruit & it was all chopped up in the fridge & i could have as much as i wanted, along with the wide assortment of candy he left us for easter. he left for work & then i was alone in the house with food. he asked me to have a skinny-lishious low-cal satisfying breakfast, & i took advantage & binged out on chocolate which i had to forcefully spew in my cousins bathroom. i had options but i chose the hard & fat path.
then my grandpa came & got me & said i was getting so skinny. thanks for lying grandpa, i'm seven pounds heavier than the last time i saw you.
later when i got to my grandparents house i binged out again on buns, carrot cake, pb&honey sandwiches, & tones of chocolate. i purged. then still pooped so big it plugged the toilet. (sorry, just a testament to how little i must've gotten up earlier.) during dinner i went to purge & got some on my pants & socks but couldn't change.
purging is disgusting.
tones of binging the next day, birthday cake, carrot cake, lemon poppy seed bread, easter chocolate, but not much purging because i kept getting interrupted with all the family around.
watched the balck swan. or really half of it because the other half i had my eyes covered since i'm a wimp. it was an ok ish movie but great thinspo.
went to coras for lunch - super yummy & lots of fruits & veg. had dinner & purged desert at an aunts house. got home & binged & purged a great deal.
i'm now not just fat after a binge, i swear my stomach just hangs out all the time.
today i made muffins (trying to recreate the magic of tim hortons orange carrot muffin), failed them, but ate seven anyways, along with the rest of my birthday cake & lemon bread from my grandmas.
jay just called, wanted to hang out but i cant since i haven't done any homework (& i have a lot) because i've been binging & purging all day.
bulimia ruins your social life.
Sous le Sourire, i haven't forgotten about the wonderful award you honored me with, i just want to do it when i'm in a better frame of mind.thank you guys.
Alicja, i swear you're the sweetest of the sweet, & every time i hear you complain of how i don't post often enough (& i know you're very right, but) all i can think is that you don't either! please do that eh, i would love to hear more from you.
thank you so much for the advice about counseling & such. i get so awkward talking about things & thank you for explaining how beneficial it could be to me. i'm much less freaked out now.
ahh studying - because of you i'll go do that next.
i understand about school, i'm fine as far as graduating, but i have to go back to high school next year (the place i hate so much) to get different credits to apply to schools.
& omgoodness thank you so much for remembering my birthday, that did put the biggest smile on my face.
staystrong, page.
Hello darling,
ReplyDeleteSorry I don't comment too much - I follow so many blogs it's pretty impossible to keep up - but I wanted to comment here because something in this post spoke to me.
I'm not sure what - you just seem weary of everything and I wanted to tell you that you are beautiful and that at 109.5, you won't think it but to me you are skinny and enviable.
And that your soul is lovely - you speak so kindly to other girls here!
Basically - I think you're great. Have a good day!! xx
hello starshine,
ReplyDeletei just found your blog and I wanted to tell you that you are a sweetpea, and I am sorry that you are going through this - I am bulimic too, I totally agree it ruins your social life. I had to ditch a trip to the beach because I needed to throw up boiled eggs. Gross.
If you work out how to make it stop and go back to restricting, let me know, I'm getting desperate and wishing someone would chain me up and starve me over here.
I hope the past few days have gone better, or, if they havent, that you have enough hope left that you can give May a fresh start
Love xxx
you are BEAUTIFUL <3 :)
ReplyDeleteannnndd, just because of you/for you, I'll start up a new blog (seeing as the last one was found out by nosy sisters -- purging jokes galore HAHA...except i'm not laughing). I'll let you know the name as soon as it's reached perfection in my eyes..is that possible? But hmm, we must promise each other to post more often. We can use each other as supports...I think, I hope.
oh and remember: you are, and will always be, GORGEOUS. No need telling me I haven't seen you so I wouldn't know...even when you're 95 and wrinkly, you'll SHINE because you're a beautiful person on the inside; that automatically makes you gorgeous for life, so LEARN TO LIVE WITH IT :)<3.
“To overcome a fear, here's all you have to do: realize the fear is there, and do the action you fear anyway.”
-Peter McWilliams
I hope you gain strength and accomplish your goals babe :). The only one stopping you is you.
here it is:
ReplyDeletewakeupwasted.blogspot.com
as good as it's gonna get...for now. but it's the content that counts right? heh. i'll be using that account from now on. xo
please do post soon (seeing as I did! :P)
:)
hey, first time reading your blog, i was drawn to the name 'broken little tea cup' which reminded me of alice in wonderland, one of my favourite movies... just wanted to offer support and remind you not to give up on yourself! try keeping a physical reminder of your goals on you at all times, and when you feel the want to binge, look at it. if you can stop yourself for those few moments, you can get the strength to resist the binge.
ReplyDeleteon a less serious note... i notice you mentioned tim hortons, so hellooo to another fellow canadian??? :D
if you want to check out my blog http://the-beauty-of-bones.blogspot.com/ please do!