i ate less than four hundred calories.
i didn't binge, didn't purge.
i felt wonderful, best i have in a long time.
today i felt a little ill, but continued to have a nutritious fruit day.
banana for breakfast, apple for lunch, berries after ultimate's conditioning.
when i got home mother said there was pizza in the fridge i could have.
then hell came up & swallowed me whole.
i binged on over 4000 calories in under two hours.
all of it breads (9 slices), pasta, cheese, & pizza.i couldn't purge, everything hurts. i want to disappear.
i have no one to talk to, i couldn't move, & i'm just barely managing to type now.
with that awful amount of starch in me & no fibre it probably will just continue to make me feel awful tomorrow. i would stay out of school but i have two big tests. i can't study now though, it's too painful to concentrate. i constantly feel like i'm going to vomit. not purge even, no release in it, just an awful explosion from my sick stomach.
mother went out much earlier, her parting worlds informing me that i have a doctors appointment tomorrow, for my binging. (advice please?)
(she's been trying to get me to go for months, convinced i have a food allergy that would make me feel gross all the time. anyways, i had said i would go on the twentieth, the day after i turn eighteen, but of course she's put me in for tomorrow, while she still has some control.) but, it's super unlikely that she'll come to the appointment, so i could probably just cancel it.
i want to get better, i want to walk into my doctors office & admit everything. the binging, the purging, the restriction, the cutting & burning. i want to walk out with a magic bottle of pills that would let me stop, be happy, & get skinny. but i know any doctor who would help me stop purging would not allow me to starve no matter how much better it would make me.
there's this highway bridge i walk over,
i wish i would just jump.
page.
i hear you girly! x
ReplyDeleteI have the same problem with eating
ReplyDeleteI eat less than 400 kcal almost every day & feel good but than my mom makes some delicious food and I eat everything and feel full ....like I could explode every moment x___x
it's too horrible
hmm, i had a shitty day aswell, ate barely anything then had a huge binge. shit. i hate it, but all you can do is try and rise above it,
ReplyDeletebest of luck,
lindsay x
"i want to get better, i want to walk into my doctors office & admit everything. the binging, the purging, the restriction, the cutting & burning. i want to walk out with a magic bottle of pills that would let me stop, be happy, & get skinny."
ReplyDeleteI wish for this on a daily basis.
Hang in there. Maybe you shouldn't cancel the appointment. If you could just stop the b/p the maybe you could start to lose weight in a healthy way. I know that sounds awful, but it might help your state of mind and help change your life for the better.
Much love,
~MLM
I hate the days where one day it's great and the next it's a mess.
ReplyDelete...ya I felt the exact same way during the last 3 days, except I managed to purge at least half of my intake today.
ReplyDeleteI love you, we all love you. As you always encourage us, STAY STRONG. You are so beautiful and wonderful and caring and compassionate!
I really hope you went to the appointment. I promise they can do diddly-squat unless you accept their help. I've told my therapist so much shit (nothing about eds..but still). If you do feel like you have no one to talk to, ask your doctor to suggest a counsellor or psychiatrist (as they are freeee). In case you're afraid, I promise a counsellor in the real world is nothing like one at school. And may be a better alternative if you're just figuring things out or don't know what you really want to achieve. They're not pushy, and they'll most likely make you feel better about yourself (if you find a good one that is!). As for "not allowing" you to starve yourself...once again, depends on the type of person you get as a doctor, but they will not (or should not) push you to anything, only give you advice and, as annoying as it may be for you, it is their job, so we can't really hate them for attempting to do what's best in their eyes. I've learned that doctors aren't people to fear. Although, my physician did freak out when she saw fresh cuts, whereas my therapist was calm when I told her about them. Don't feel like you have to tell them everything at once; take it at your own pace (if you do end up seeing someone). Don't be afraid though, because with a good therapist, the control and power to do whatever you please will still lay in yours hands...they are just a friendly ear, listening, speaking their mind (but not judging) and maybe giving you some alternatives/ways to cope. Don't worry about having your hands tied and being pushed into anything.
And please study...after dropping out of university, it'll be so hard for me to get into another university...(unless your goal isn't uni/college :)). But ya, as backwards as it is, I'll have to take high school courses AFTER being at uni for a year to get into a DIFFERENT university. I hope you did well on the tests. If not, just take a deep breath, don't let it stress you out: only a few more weeks until a break.
I know it seems like I talk a lot about myself whenever I post... :P, but we seem to have so much in common that it's easy for me to draw on my experiences to try to help you out. xoxo
oh..and I know it's so hypocritical of me to say: don't do it...
I promise you, I would be in so much pain if anything were to happen to you, even though we've never met. Idk if there is anything worth living for, but ending things so soon will not allow me to explore my options (even though right now it feels like I don't give a fuck about any of those options).
Please be strong.
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY DARLING!<3
ReplyDelete