i keep trying to write, trying to plan, trying to fix myself. i can't post when i feel like such a miserable failure. my mouth has been in pain for days, my tong is so sensitive, no doubt from all the stomach acid passing it daily. for the first time i've had people ask me what that awkward bruise thing on the back of my hand is, the one from me biting my hand while i purge, i guess it's getting bigger. i keep eating binging. stuffing my face with foods i don't even like, foods i cringe while i eat because no matter how much i stuff myself i get no satisfaction. i just keep pushing more in, hoping to feel something, maybe something more than disgust for myself one day. but not now, while i keep failing, at everything. i can't get anything right. i can't stop eating, & i can't purge as much anymore. i'm just constantly exhausted, drained, no doubt from my awful diet. downing batches of pancakes, boxes of cereal & bags of milk. exceeding the amount of food one person should ever have inside of them, then tripling it. until i'm bent over because it hurts. my chest feels like it's going to collapse, because there's too much un-chewed going down my thought at once, i fall over & wonder if i'll die, suffocating myself with food. moments later it passes, & i shove the rest right in. mother goes out for the day, & i wonder if i'll live to see her come home. most of the time i think the only reason i do is because once in awhile i have to brake to take my dog out for a second.

i do the grocery shopping in my house.
i control the food that comes in.
i am safe that way.
i eat yummy strawberries, that don't make me sick.

i get into a fight with mother.
she goes grocery shopping because she knows it ticks me off.
i come home, there's bread on the counter, peanut butter in the cupboard, a million other crap processed pieces of junk, & another bag, so now four bags of frozen corn in the freezer because mother never knows what we're out of & for some reason always thinks we need frozen corn even though no one eats it.
i scream & cry. have a complete anxiety attack.
throw the bread against the from door, smash boxes of cereal & crackers.
cry in my bead for six hours because there's four bags of corn in the freezer.
mother comes home somewhere in the evening while i'm asleep, leaves again.
over the next few days i eat amounts of food meant to sustain families of four for weeks.
it's all in me.

i wish i could stop.