so in a moment of upset weakness, i told my friend that i'm bulimic.

first off i would love to thank anyone who took a moment to answer questions from my interview post. everything you said helped me a lot & when i'm done i'll be sure to post it & thank you all over again. plus i'm not done yet so if anyone out there could have a look it'd be greatly appreciated!
now on to the life.

 so in a moment of upset weakness, i told my friend that i'm bulimic.
& i've regreted it a thousand times over since.

i have this little problem, with admitting i'm bulimic. before when i didn't eat, well it's a lot easier to pass off as i'm not feeling well or i'm just not hungry than it is when [TMI] it's literally right in front of you.
i can't always see the lack of food quickly, & i can easier pretend i didn't feed my food to the dog than i can pretend i'm not dumping a bucket of vomit down the toilet, you know?
i had been wanting to write about how i'm afraid i'm a "wannarexic" since even though i don't have a steady weight or maintain, i never seem to continue to loose. it's harder to ignore & claim i don't have a problem when food comes up & out of me & i watch it go down the drain.
well .. every day except the odd time ..

like earlier this evening.
i binged on a few days worth of food; <4500 calories.
i ate dinner. & the two dinners worth of left overs.
& an entire (start to finish) container of cream cheese, on three white bagels with margarine too.
plus a third of a jar of peanut butter. straight peanut butter, have you ever heard of something more disgusting?
& i couldn't purge. 
like anything.
it hurts so much, even now hours later. it still feels like my ribs are being pushed on so hard to make enough room for my stretched out stomach. oh gosh it just hurts.

 anyways - stuff like this, painfull stuff like this, is why i told a friend.
not lucy or anyone super-close, but a really good friend. one that i share more than half my classes with & we spend lunch together, but i never eat around her afterschool or anything so she won't be stairing at me while i eat or go to the washroom.
not that i expected her to understand what i'm going through or anything, but i also know she wouldn't go off running to tell someone.
turns out she has a very small understanding of eating disorders. i mean we've all got a leg up on this stuff i guess, but i mean she barely understood what it meant. 
-i'm gong to vent & ramble off here so feel free to skim down.-
some things that've pissed me off?
1. a couple days later, i hadn't eaten anything all day, (like normal,) then i had binged & purged, got upset, & txted her. my stomach was going wild since it had just gone from exploding with food to nothing, so i was having a snack. (a yellow pepper, a rice cake with applesauce, & 1/4 cup oatmeal.) that was all i kept down all day. now she is really tiny, & eats very little herself, but when i said that that was my small snack after purging, she responded "that's SMALL?" YES SAN - THAT'S SMALL FOR MY STOMACH WHEN THAT'S ALL I'VE EATEN & CAN WE NOT INSULT THE BULIMICS REAL EATING CHOICES? i was so upset & i never responded. i mean she was right though, apparently that's too much food even for a normal person to eat. i guess mia has made me loose that perception of portion control?
2. as soon as i told her "but .. you don't look anorexic. you look skinny but healthy." I WILL NOT CRY, I HAVE ANOTHER CLASS SOON. I WILL NOT CRY, I HAVE ANOTHER CLASS SOON.  I WILL NOT CRY, I HAVE ANOTHER CLASS SOON. but gosh did i ever want to.
3. when i looked to her for help after i purged once & i was in pain. she said that the thought of me purging had made her not eat dinner. if my ed is going to help anyone skip dinner it shouldn't be someone else. 
 4. a hundred other bad comments. 
lesson people: really think about if before you tell anyone about your ed.
this brings my grand total of people who know i purge to: two.

i'm the fifth smallest person lucy knows. 
not that she's seen or anything, just knows well. but two of them are twins, so does that count as one?
i'll be number one.

the other day me, jay, & a couple other guys were hanging out at lucys. 
i ate a bagel with cheese, brownies & TONES of pizza throughout the day. her grandma asked me "what? you been starving over there or something?" at dinner. i didn't really get anything purged. 
when we were playing cards & every time i snuck off & said i was out the next hand (lets call him jand) would come calling me to play, WHILE I WAS IN THE WASHROOM. how much more fuck off can i get? i mean to everyone else i must've seemed like i was ON THE TOILET. why on earth would you come bother me? anyways, everyone must've thought i was crazy sick by the end of the evening for being in there so much.
jand was complaining that he "must have an eating disorder or something because he never has an appetite". (plus, he's one of the tallest people i've ever met & the skinniest. like he could just snap or something.) but no, jand you don't. shuddup. then he also went on about how sick he was after eating that much pizza. when i commented that i ate twice as much as him he said "yeah, but you don't have an eating disorder. ;P" 
i could've smacked him. it made me so mad. but he's right, i don't look skinny enough to have one.
well maybe i would finally looked like it if he would STOP POUNDING ON THE DOOR WHILE I'M TRYING TO PURGE.

so i had a little mantra of i i will not eat. i will not eat. i will not eat. i will not eat. i will not eat. but then i woke up the next morning & had  1700 calorie BREAKFAST & purged most of it up.

i would like a fasting partner. i know i've let you guys down before but i really do better when i know i've got support & someone who's doing it with me. it's a new year so can i have another chance?
fast with me!

Teresauras LMAO. you're too sweet!

i have to be off to bed, it's two already & i must get up in four hours to go work on some plays! 
dam my production classes schedule! 
staystrong & sweetdreams;
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