once again, i'm going to try to stop this behavior, by posting shorter things every couple days.
super.
& i'm done with writing long things at the moment, i just finished exams. too much writing. so i'll only say some stuff not that'll continue to affect life? or really whatever i can remember.
ok!
finished my exams!
.. ok, well finished being the operative word. i did them, but i didn't finish writing either (english & philosophy). i'm sorry if i take fucking forever to write an essay. i'm going to yell at guidance until they accept that i'm dumb & put me back in communications. end of story.
i didn't do my philosophy isu (like another take home exam,) because i spent the three days i was home PURGING. the whole fucking time. failure? yeah. i may not even pass the class now.
i spent the day at jays today after my exam. i declined food fifty times. when i was leaving he invited me for dinner, making my favorites too; fried onions(which i never get to make at home since mother can smell an onion a mile away,) & mushrooms, with perogies. like seriously, my fucking favorite foods. made well too. what did my fucking brain do?
BUT THEY MIGHT USE REAL BUTTER TO FRY ONIONS, & DO IT PROPORLY & USE A LOT, SAME WITH THE MUSHROOMS, & HOLY CRAP, THE PEROGIES, & THEY PROBABLY WONT HAVE PEAS TO FILL UP MY PLATE WITH, & THEY'LL USE REGULAR SOUR CREAM. AHHHHHH.yeah. fuck.
the last two times i've hung out at georges (who i like) with other people, we've ordered pizza. with lucy & jay always making cracks about how much pizza i can eat (a lot), but yet i haven't been able to eat a single bite at georges. lucy blames my ocd, not wanting to eat somewhere else. she's right i guess. plus the not wanting to purge somewhere else, with little enough people that if i disappear it'll be noticed.
i like george, a lot. i think. it's been up & down. but i keep feeling like if i got involved with him, (which is 95% NOT GOING TO HAPPEN because then i might have a real person near me or try to touch me (& by that i mean hold my hand) then i might have some more problems,) but that it'd be wrong that i'm not warning him about how fucked up i am. whatever - impossible circumstances anyways.
mother is still a bitch. it's awful when she yells at me for stuff i didn't do, & when i tell her that it was really her who did it or i correct her she just storms out of the room.
i don't think i've ever heard her mutter the slightest resemblance of an apology to anyone in my entire life. plus the time she was with my dad he said the same thing. hey people, that's over twenty years of suborn, possibly twice that.
i'm becoming more flexible just to not be like her. i will continue to now & forever gracefully take my share of the blame when due.
purging, i spend at least two hours each weekday, sometimes six, plus up to ten on a saturday or sunday, do you know how much time i've wasted making myself fat & unsatisfied? let's go with a lot since it's 3:00am & i don't want to do math. basically, too much. no wonder i started flunking everything once i became bulimic. i have to go back to studying to avoid food, have to for my grades sake.
second term - last chance.
i've only cut my right hip, saving my left for art. a tattoo? piercing? i haven't decided. ideas or thoughts welcome.
lately i've been thinking a feather? too typical i think though. i wanted something all over my left side; shoulder blade, across ribs to hip, but who're we kidding? i'm a wimp.
i'm helping my friend pierce her hips tomorrow.
ok, help is an awful word, i'm going to try not to faint while she does it, because i'm the responsible friend & i'm not going to let her do it alone.
oh & by the way, i've gained like three pounds.
thanks to the fact that i haven't been purging near as well as i usually do.
i have to start restricting again, & get all that sorted before second term, so i don't get stressed & fall into old patterns. ack.
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thank you catherine for giving me some good advice on not binging. unfortunately i still end up binging in the evening even when i eat throughout the day, then i have to worry about all the calories i ate plus the ones i didn't get up. i'm so happy you've stopped though! congratulations!
Jeans vs. Genes you're right i should get someone more supportive.
yes we should defiantly fast together! i'm just so busy for awhile with things involving food.. ):
Alicja awe hun, thank you. i hate people with insensitive jokes so much. (i mean unless they're not mean.)
thanks for wishing me to sleep, i sware when you commented that i should sleep, that night i actually did! .. but it's 3:00am now ..
♥ Bree oh thanks. i really hope i don't trigger you or something? keep up the awesome job of recovery though!!
Mich you're right, i should definatly be kicking my friends, harder than i already am at least. i don't know why i didn't think of that already. (;
well, let's also hope next term i sleep. (it's 3:00am)
sleeptight & staystrong;
page.
I like the tattoo idea reaching from your shoulder, down over your ribs and onto your hip. Could be beautiful! A friend of mine (who happens to be crazy thin) has a feather, kind of a busted up one lol, on her ribs and it looks amazing.
ReplyDeleteOf course, the fear! I get that! Could not get a tattoo myself but I love them on others! xx
Wow your mother sounds exactly like mine. She still drives me nuts sometimes. But I think she's the reason I have reached the point of zen-like calm.
ReplyDeleteI like the tattoo idea as well. You could always start with something small on your hip, but something like a flower or a feather where you could continue and add more.
Animal cruelty? I would never!
...I really wouldn't, despite my carnivorous eating habits. ;)
xoxo