no posts november?

that's right, not a single one from me.
i keep waiting for good news to post, none has come.
well i haven't cut, which also means i've been binging. a lot. i'm getting worse at purging, it's slipping away, along with my weight.

i guess it's another case of everything has happened but nothing's really changed.

there was a boy - i'm not sure he's relevant anymore.

i fought with mother earlier this evening.
she was on the phone with a friend, she started yelling at me while i was doing my laundry. i don't know what she was trying to prove but she would shove me & when i told her to not touch me she said she wasn't. she pushed me around & told me to move while i was backed into a corner. she made me cry & them she laughed. i told her to go away/leave me alone. she gave me the finger a few times, provoked me until i told her to fuck off, called her a bitch. she talked into the phone, talking about how i had just sweared. how my being upset was having a fit. she twisted the truth to make me wrong & crazy again.
i don't regret what i said, i was right, she was being a bitch.
i regret giving her that control. to give her the power to make me upset, to control my emotions. she doesn't deserve that. she can't have power over me.
i wanted to grab my board & go out into the cold.
insted i went to my floor & sweated it out for twenty minutes.

she doesn't get to control me, 

i will not be made a fool of by her.

bulima has been a recently common topic between people around for some reason. i don't know what it is, but it's just been conversation a lot, never brought up by me though. i can't think of any specifics, but it's interesting to hear what people think, when they're talking in front of one & don't know it.
i rarely refer to myself as bulimic; i guess i don't want to admit it without a diagnosis or anything .. but when you've gone as long as i have throwing up almost everything you eat, i think it's time to admit it.

a couple nights ago, while hanging out with lucy & jay & boy-who-i'm-not-sure-i'll-name-just-yet i did say a few regrettable things. noting particularly awful, but do you ever get that moment where you're nervous & something incredibly dumb falls out of your mouth? & you're of course much too flabbergasted to compose & correct yourself? well i do.
so here's a new goal; to be so skinny that even if you ever slip something stupid out of you're mouth, you'll still be remembered as the beautiful girl & not the she-said-something-dumb one.

on my last post my followers were my goal weight, well now just one post a month later you all make about my current weight.
my 100th comment technically came from Isobel, followed by Iris two minutes later so they almost tied. plus to Holly & Jane X, all of you are so wonderful.
& to Alicja, who i'm not sure is on anymore, but if she is, know that though

she is right, & i should stop physically hurting my self on my outside, isn't that what we do on our insides? when i stick my fingers down my thought it hurts, but i do it. when you restrict it hurts, but in the end don't we enjoy it?

can we chalk ED up to SI?

i need to take back my control, like now.
i need a fast, right now.
24 hours, no calories.
adjust it if you like, but please join me?

staystrong, page.