a few days ago someone in my class made some rice crispy squares. i ate three of those & a couple cookies & a hot chocolate & a tone of fries & three other things for lunch. then i went & purged an unfortunetly little amout in a private washroom in school. the same washroom where i spent a lunch throwing up 30 cookies i had eaten when i had a bake sale. i did pay for them all, mia is making me poor.
i went to the la dispute + norma jean + four year strong + alexisonfire concert with jay the other day; which was awesomeawesomeawesome.

i had to do the lighting for my schools "art & dance showcase" *cough-whore display-cough* & so i brought along a bunch of people to chill with including lucy, jay, & his best friend (let's call him george) who i'm officially quite a bit infatuated with. he's coming to a big new years party, (he did last year too, i've met him multiple times before,) & that'll be the next time i see him. i need to look stunning. possible to loose, never mind maintain, surrounded by holiday treats? 

i've binged a few times recently, that didn't result in proper purging but instead sobbing fits & hyperventilating. consequentaly i've gained quite a bit.


i've tried & tried & tried to not binge & purge, but i've been unable to do it myself. i think one of the worst side effects of this is my total loss of care concerning what i like to eat. everything is about how easy is this to purge? when did i start eating? where's the closest private bathroom? i convinced my mother the other day that i did not in fast eat that entire box of ginger cookies, because well, i don't like them. & it's true, i don't. they taste stale & they're too spicy. but when i decided to binge i didn't care. i saw a box of cookies, & too make them go into me faster i poured a cup of hot chocolate over them. i shoved the mush into my mouth as fast as i could using the biggest spoon i had. did i taste it? no. would i have liked it otherwise? no. was it all about shoving something else in me as fast as i could? yes. i used to love cooking for flavor & nutrition. now i find myself cooking for purge-able consistency.

i hate how my fingers seem to permanently smell like stomach acid, no matter what kind of industrial-strength soaps i use on them.

so i've gone out & bought hoodia pills. unfortunately even on clearance they're pricey on my limited budget of diddly-squat. i'm really just hoping to use these to curb my likelihood of binge-purging than to help me restrict.
plus i'm also back on tetracyclean(spellingerror) for my skin but i can't eat within two hours of taking it so i've got a great excuse to not eat breakfast around my family during the brake.

speaking of them, i'm currently writing while waiting for my father to pick me up. he's about eight hours late so far but he's driving all the way from Utah, which is a three day drive. i'll be spending the next two weeks with him so no computer access. gosh dam i'm gonna have so much to catch up on with you guys when i get back!

this morning i spent making cookies with the other-other side of the family.
a lot of cookies.

well oh shit here's here.
i've got to go,
i hope you all have an excelent holiday!! see you in a couple weeks!!
staystrong, page.
(sorry if this is crap, i didn't get a chance to read it over.)