i need to grasp some control.

things are slipping away.

so i'm purging again - still daily.
i have a couple drinks during the day,diet soda or coffee, maybe an under 200 calorie snack, but i binge/purge away the evenings.
my binges aren't as bad as they recently were, & i hope that that was my worst & this means i'm slowly re-gaining control of myself, but that's doubtful.

i am so sorry that i keep drifting away from this blog, but it's always on my mind.
at the moment i do have 524 posts to read from you guys, & i do intend to read (nearly) all of them.

for those of you who threatened or insulted or told me not to listen to my mother, as weird as this may sound if you don't understand our relationship, thank you. your comments really did make me feel better.
particularly ones calling her a bitch & wanting to slap her. it's good to know i'm not the only one who finds her that way. Lindsay & K.
i'm going to apply to work in a small town away from mother for next summer to new years. meaning i don't go to school & i don't live with her, so she get's her way but as long as i'm not here i don't mind.

so i did tell someone in the real-world about mia. i good guy friend who's my neighbor & i've been in the same school as him since junior kindergarten. i know i can trust him, we don't share the same circle of friends so there's guaranteed no gossip, & we're never together for lunch or any meals so he can't watch me (not/over) eat.

i am now failing all my classes. i'm going to haul-ass in english, i just hopefully aced my philosophy unit test, & i'll drop politics. i'll talk to my production teacher & see if i can present to only her out of class time, there's no way in hell i can in front of people.

i'll have a post another time about the colleges.

someone broke into my locker. i was fine for awhile, the guy i was with at the time was like "you're awfully calm for someone who's stuff just got trashed." then i realized my wallet was gone. i started crying, without the crying part, i just bit my lip really hard & kept whipping the insane amount of tears off my face.
it wasn't until much later in the evening when i was trying to figure out why the hell my wallet would be in my locker in the first place did i realize it was because i had just bought my alexisonfire ticket. which was in my wallet. i had a panic attack because i didn't know what else to do. i can't get it replaced by ticketmaster because it's general admission.
[yes, my school knows that this has happened, & a police report was made, & i got my debt card deactivated, yada-yada-yada.]
this happened monday while i was staying after school in production class, & yesterday was the college fair, so i haven't been back since. it's five fifty am & i haven't slept. i don't have school until ten today, but i can't go. i'm "sick". basically, 
i can't go. i can't go sit in a building knowing that the person(s) who broke into my space, who riffled through my possessions, who stole something from me that i had saved to afford myself. someone in that building did that to me.
i know i sound like i'm way over reacting & it's not like i was raped or anything horrible, but i can't help but feel so violated. i have personal space issues.


halloween's sunday! drammadramadrammadramadramma has lead me to want to be with no one. i don't want to go to parties - so i'm doing a basic night with a couple friends i haven't seen in awhile. hopefully fun.

gosh; you ladies are all amazing, 
& hello new followers!!
staystrong,  page.

fall thinspo: