alert to mias.

so here's my most noteworthy pieces of purging over the last few weeks & the events that surrounded them.

during thanksgiving a few weeks back (i'm in canada, it's earlier here,) i spent some time with my cousin who's currently in school to be a dental hygienist, so i picked her brain on bulimics & their teeth.
one of her projects was to question someone about their routine & improve it. i gave her the general information on myself. (brush x2 daily, floss & mouthwash not as often as i know i should.) she told me about different way's people damage their teeth & i'm super-crafty so i leaned it towards bulimics.
we mias tend to damage the lingual (interior/closer to the toung) side of our teeth more, which is how dentists can tell. a dental hygienist can only hint to the dentist, & a dentist cannot say anything, dentist-patient confidentiality, but some may be able to contact your general doctor, if you're of a certain age & it's super obvious.
* after purging: DO NOT BRUSH YOUR TEETH. don't brush them for at least twenty minutes, & immediately rinse &  gargle with water or mouthwash after purging.

lucy turned nineteen.
at her party i ate chips & dip, & hummus & pita. most of which i purged. then a few guys went out & blazed, so they brought back pizza because they were hungry, & then there was cake. ate a lot of both, then i purged. when i came out the guys jokingly questioned me on why i'd been so long. nothing involving purging, more the other end. of course i denied it all, & i had put my hair into a pony tail to purge so i just blamed being a girl & fixing my hair.

jay turned twenty.
(ok, i have referred to jay a few times as lucy's brother. & in real life whenever someone asks that's what i say. & when people disagree, i am adimate that they are in fact related. pretty much everyone in the world (85% of the teachers in highschool & 98% of the students) believe it too. but - & i'm only saying this because this is my blog of the truth, - they are not in any way related. & have only known each other for about five years. & jay is in love with lucy. sorry if that's complicated & blew your mind a bit. i flipped shit when i found out too. [jay still calles lucy's mom "mom".])
 at jay's party was a guy i've met a few times, but always while i was into/dealing with green, so i never really thought about him. physical discription: ok, imagine one of those friends i'm sure you all must have, the really tall & fairly slim guy friends. ok? now imagine him 1.5 times taller, & about five times wider. (let's call him D.)
now nothing would ever come of this, it's just significant because my "type" used to be super-skinny guys. the theory is that i got to angry with green, who is so fucking small, that i cannot be attracted to skinny anymore. oh well.
we had tacos for dinner. first i put a bit of each topping on my plate & ate each one by one. then i put a bunch of beef, & a bit of cheese on top, then some sour cream on my plate (no taco shell) & ate it. with no comments. no weird looks. it was awesome. i then did make a small taco with the same stuff. then i picked out a few big chunks of avocado, & some bean-paste, & started squishing them all over my plate. lucy, who is average size but pulls it off into a way that she always looks amazing, was eating about her third taco, but she hadden't had anything to eat all day. swam, the guy sitting next to her commented "wow, i've never seen a girl eat like that". we all just kind of gwaked at him until D piped up & said "i've never seen anyone eat like that"gesturing to me. we all burst into laughter. i know that kinda sound's mean, but it was all in good fun & it felt great to be around a large group of people without anyone seriously ragging on the way i was eating. or totally avoiding it. my behavior was just another thing we could all acknowledge as something odd but nothing big.
for desert there was three diffrent kinds of ice cream & cheesecake. for the first time i was able to get past the there's cheeese in my cake & have a slice, with a bunch of ice cream. when i went to purge i was only able to get a bit of the ice cream up, & didn't want to take too long & repeat the questioning i got at lucys' party.


last thursday, i got home in a serious binge mood. i saw a flyer for a 5$ medium peperoni pizza, & went to go get one, never mind that i don't like peperoni. 
after eating half the pizza, (save some for mother,) a few huge bowls of cereal, a jumbo chocolate chip muffin, a chai latte, & eighteen other things, i was fuller than i'd been in awhile, & way fuller than i had hoped.
when i purged, i barely go anything up. maybe half a bowl of cereal or something, but nothing in compairison to what i'd eaten. i got in the shower because often that helps, & stayed in for an hour without success. i was shaking so hard i crawled out of the tub & wraped myself in a towel on the floor. 
i never wanted to eat again.
 but then it was like this thing clicked in my head, if i couldn't purge that, then i needed to purge something else.
a few thick peanut butter & honey sandwiches, more pizza, more ice cream sandwiches, loads more oatmeal. i was crying my stomach was too full, but i couldn't stop. i wanted to fill right up to my throat until no more food would fit. i ate close to 6000 calories in an couple hours.
now this has happened before, being that full, but not after an unsuccessful purge. 
i got back in the shower & tried & tried & tried but nothing came up.
i was so exhausted, & i woke up with intense stomach pain all throughout the night.


friday - saturday i was so freaked out that i never tried to purge.
two days without purging is the most i've gone in five months (not counting when i had the flu).


today (sunday) i didn't try to purge until i binged on ice cream. i only got half that up in the shower & even that bit was difficult.


eating for the last few days, & that big binge thursday has made me gain about three pounds. plus i got my period this morning. & i'm pooping. which is weird, it's been awhile since food got digested so my body doesn't quite remember how to do it.

                                                                                                                            

does anyone have any good low-cal avocado recipes?


thanks Meg, i'll punch 'em hard.
Sous le Sourire, thanks, i'll hit 'em hard in the balls too. hang in there, when my mother & her long-term boyfriend split, i was at my dads for the summer, so i came home to find out my mother had been sleeping in my room. yeah, it's really hard. best of luck with the parents.

ok, it's two AM,  i really do need to get off the computer or else i'll stay up all night reading your lovely blogs!

staystrong & sleeptight!
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more fall thinspo!