i swear it's been weeks since i've been on here; & i've hated every second i've been gone.

let's see,
i ran away, to some family.
thing is, i was always assured i'd have a place there, with people who loved me.
i had to go, mother kept yelling/hitting/pushing/shoving. but where i went, i was a hormonal teenager. wasn't taken seriously, just got into a spat with my mom like all teenagers do. it was greatly implied i should go home & make nice.
how can i make nice in a place that isn't safe?

mother stopped buying me food.

i left again, for a "vacation". we all knew why i came for another visit; it was an escape.

mother must know i'm bulimic.
how could she miss the puke filled toilet behind me while we fought.

i'm the purge queen. the white toilet is my throne.
i went to grandmas & ate & ate & ate & ate.
filled my tummy until it explodes up.

gained lots of weight.
scales broke a spring or two because i'm too fat.
i don't see a change, still just fat. at least now the scary numbers are believable.

plane ride from hell: 5:30am - 11:30pm. delays & layovers.
brought me to utah.
the birthplace of my ana.
seems only appropriate i try & recapture her here.
the place with no washroom, no private toilet, no place to purge.
the people who're not exactaly hygienic, where my OCD can take full control.

problems;
my stomach is stretched. i can down a pizza, maybe a carton of ice cream, five pb&j sandwiches, all without a second thought. it's hard to eat a normal meal let alone one that would please ana. she'll have to work hard.
next, i've been eating a lot. normally that would be fine, get people off my back. i walked into the kitchen-trailer to find my father saying something about how much i'm eating. said it was good i eat now, just mentioned he wondered how i was staying so skinny. i made a show of eating three bowls of lasagna & tried to shut him up.

maybe if they figured out mia in me, they could stop her & i could grab ana's hand once again.

so much more to say. so much more to read from you guys. i've missed you all so much.

RunRunRun
fast fast
staystrong,
page.