eat for the body you want, not for the body you have.

melrose was right when she said choose not to purge because it put's my body through trauma, because that's what it really is, traumatic.
me shaking but i can't stop, legs giving way but i can't take my fingers out of my throat.
every time i binge i imagine saying no to purging, that i'll leave this mess in me & i'll have to get fat today & i'll learn my lesson so i won't binge again. every time i stare into a drain i think this through & come to the conclusion that i might as well just purge this time & learn without having to make myself digest it.
i don't learn, i do it again.
& again.
& again.

yesterday was one of the worst, because i couldn't get it all, & i knew i had waited too long, but i couldn't stop trying, even though the tremors flying through my body were begging me too.
plus it's noon, & i haven't gone to sleep. i purged my sleeping pills, again, so i'm stuck up for another day. 48 hour days, woo-hoo.

bulimia got me through what anorexia couldn't, but it's time to go back. i'm as far as i'll ever come with bulimia & it's only allowing me to maintain.

i crave restriction.

i will not binge.

i will not purge.

i will not eat.

i will reach 95lbs & beyond.

thank's to Alice D, Jeans vs. Genes, Teresauras & Alicja for your warm wishes on my awful first day, it did kinda get better.
& hello to my new followers! (who sorry but blogger is currently not letting me really see, but i'll get that sorted.)

(oh & i'm a red head again. yippie!)

staystrong, page.