we laughed & danced around a strangers kitchen & tried to make tea but didn't know how.

well it's six-thirty in the morning & i'm obviously not sleeping tonight.
i'll try & go through the last few days, but i'm on a fifty hour sleep cycle (36-awake 14-sleep) days are passing funny. (3.5 a week.)

uhmm.. so,

last week or so ago i had offhandedly asked green if he would have sex with me. i was bored. he had wanted to. i think i thought of it so easily because it was him, but he replied yes so fast because it was sex.
he thought i was joking.
the emotional scale was tipped a little to much for that to work out anyways.

i talked to lucy a few days ago & found out some interesting stuff.
well first off green really wants sex, like a lot a lot. so much so he asked lucy to have sex with him.
why not? i wanted to ask chili. but lucy's my best friend, & green's my ex, so it's weird, & she said no. (goshiloveher.)

50 hour sleep cycles, im up & the second moring/middle of my day i eat & purge & yoga.

a couple of days ago (after being awake for 30hours) i found myself in a house on a floor only occupied by me+green. we talked a bit. we made out a bit after that. i stopped him to say that this time, either he has to ignore me or call me but he can't do both again. he promissed one or the other & we kissed some more.

we laughed & danced around a strangers kitchen &
tried to make tea but didn't know how.

today we watched movies, classics, my favorite.
the maltese falcon & dial M for murder.
during the murder scene in dial M for murder (one of the few scenes i watched. -wink-) she was coughing & all i could think was i see her ribs through her back, dam i wish i was that skinny. through the whole movie i was constantly aware of every limb & how fat they looked.
next thing, he had his hand on my hip, & the latest developments on my body being a new series of scabed lines that i made with an exacto knife were edging up. i could see the pink area.
but i had my hand on his arm, rubbing my thumb over this scars/scabs. i knew if anyone he'd understand. he'd be the only one to, but
his were deeper..
am i ashamed? i don't want mine deeper, that's my choice, but what would he think of mine that would never scar as bad as his have? should i care?
i adjusted my top & he never saw.

i ate a lot today. more than anyone should've.
we're now officially broke, & i eat enough for three people, 7 anas, & i can't stop.
it's all going to waste.
i'm literally eating myself out of house & home.
i wish my stomach would shrink.
ana treated me better.

i have a shopping list;
diet pills. greens+ probably, any suggestions?
a new 100% recycled diary for when i go to daddys, i might not have as much computer access..
that pretty pink ceramic kitchen knife .. my ugly orange exacto knife is rusty.

lucy left on a roadtrip to waterloo, i'm here alone.
my phone dies all the time & doesn't send/recive txts. if i die the only person who would notice is lucy & she'd think my phone was broken.
i told her this & she said she'd already thought about that. she agreed it's likely.

it's almost seven am, i'll go knit a bit.

it's recently come to my attention that A&M lady doesn't have all that many followers, which is a shame not for her really, but the fact that so many people are not reading her. i quite enjoy it actually. anyways, if you've got time i'd advise you to mosy on over to skinny love.

goodmorning/night/day.
staystrong, page.

-comment replies-
violet; LMAO, i'm not sure how much credit i'd give degrassi for depicting us canadians but i guess that's pretty good. notice any differences between degrassi canada & where you live?
emm; oh thank you. uhm .. well i died of laughter when i saw that the first time because you're so complety right greens a jerk. unfortunately he's a jerk i made out with again. i'm so sorry you feel trapped in this. i give you all the support i can in whatever your doing whether it involve an ED or getting out of one.
A&M lady; LOL. you're right mothers just try to ruin our lives. if it wasn't on purpose they wouldn't be this good at it. i enjoy reading your posts!

so it's seven am here, & i'm bored as hell but too tired to do anything productive. therefore i have taken this lovely survey from violet & will now do it.
warning, the following is probably very boring. in case you make it down there i've left a surprise. (or you could just scroll to the bottom if you'd like..)

I AM...
[was?] anorexic
[x] ednos
[x] bulimic
[not at the moment.. ] living off diet pills
[always] hungry
[x] thirsty
[x] drinking something
[almost..] Under 100lbs
[ ] starving yourself
[ ] participating in a fast(trying to...)

PEOPLE...
[ ] ask if I’m anorexic/bulimic
[x] call me fat
[yes but it's lies.] say I’m skinny
[probably.] say I’m ugly
[lies//] say I’m pretty
[x] spread rumors about me
[x] force me to eat
[x] say I eat too much
[x] wish I’d eat more
[x] don't know I'm anorexic/bulimic/ednos

I WISH...
[x] I was THIN
[x] I had a better body
[x] I didn't have to eat
[x] I could control myself
[ ] I was under 110lbs
[x] I could avoid food
[ ] I could hide what I am
[x] I wasn’t fat
[x] I was pretty
[ ] I could stop being ana/mia

I LOVE...
[ ] feeling hungry
[x] seeing a difference when fasting
[ ] shaking
[ ] being weak
[x] losing weight
[x] being anorexic
[all tea really.] green tea
[x] diet pills
[x] being able to turn down food
[x] feeling good about myself

APPEARANCE...
[ ] I am shorter than 5'4. I am 5"4.
[all the time.] I think I'm ugly sometimes
[some.] I have many scars
[ ] I tan easily
[x] I wish my hair was a different color
[x] I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color
[ ] I have a tattoo
[xxx] I am self-conscious about my appearance
[ ] I have braces
[i have a lot of sunglasses?] I wear glasses(I'm supposed to...)
[ ] I wear contacts
[.. maybe?] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free
[ ] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger
[ ] I have more than 2 piercings
[will] I have piercings in places besides my ears
[x] I have(a shitload of) freckles

FAMILY...
[x] I've sworn at my parents
[x] I've run away from home
[x] I've been kicked out of the house
[ ] My biological parents are together
[ ] I have a sibling less than one year old
[ ] I want to have kids someday
[ ] I've had children
[ ] I've lost a child

EMBARRASSMENT...
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation
[ ] Disney movies still make me cry
[ ] I've peed from laughing
[x] I've snorted while laughing
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried
[ ] I've glued my hand to something
[x] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose
[ ] I've had my trousers rip in public

RELATIONSHIPS...
[..?] I'm single
[..?] I'm in a relationship
[ ] I'm engaged
[ ] I'm married
[ ] I've gone on a blind date
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper
[x] I miss someone right now
[x] I have a fear of abandonment
[ ] I've cheated in a relationship
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship

SEXUALITY...
[.. .. ..... ?] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex
[.. x but not in a wierd lame way.] I've had a crush on a teacher
[..] I am a cuddler
[ ] I've been kissed in the rain
[ ] I've hugged a stranger
[ ] I have kissed a stranger

HONESTY...
[probably.] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[xxx] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't
[today. yesterday ..] I've snuck out of my house
[xx] I have lied to my parents about where I am
[xx] I am keeping a secret from the world
[maybe?] I've cheated while playing a game
[ ] I've cheated on a test
[ ] I've been suspended from school

BAD TIMES...
[ ] I've consumed alcohol
[ ] I drink regularly
[couldn't until a month ago! a benefit from going mia!! ;) ] I can't swallow pills
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[ ] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression
[ ] I shut others out when I'm upset
[ not prescribed for me .. but sometimes it's the only thing ..] I take anti-depressants
[x] I'm anorexic or bulimic or have EDNOS.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose
[..] I'm addicted/ have been addicted to self harm
[ ] I've woken up crying
[x] I've lost weight
[x] I've gained weight
[x] My weight holds me back
[x] Weight consumes me.
[almost] I'm at my thinnest
[ ] I'm at my biggest
[..] I've lost weight and kept it off
[..] I've lost weight but gained it back
[x] My weight affects my mood
[almsot.] I weigh myself daily
[x] I am jealous of everyone smaller than me
[ ] I thrive on compliments
[x] I feel bigger than people who are my size
[ ] I feel happy when I'm hungry
[x] I get depressed after I eat
[x] I've skipped a meal
[x] I've thrown food away
[x] I've spit food out
[x] I've fasted
[x] I've taken diet pills
[ ] I've used laxatives
[x] I've purged
[x] Bulimia
[x] Orthorexia
[x] Over-exercising
[x] Binge eating
[x] I exercise
[ ] I exercise so I can eat
[x] I work out secretly
[ ] I work out daily
[x] I exercise to counteract eating
[xx] I've fainted from exhaustion(nearly)

I'VE DONE...
[ ] Weed
[ ] Cigarettes
[ ] Alcohol
[x] Diet pills
[ ] Pain killers
[x] Anti-depressants
[ ] Ecstasy
[ ] LSD
[ ] Mushrooms
[ ] Speed
[ ] Cocaine

OTHER QUESTIONS.
[ish] I keep my eating habits a secret
[x] I have an ED blog
[ ] I look at thinspo
[x] I collect thinspo
[x] I condone pro-ana/mia sites
[x] I count calories
[x] I've had negative intake days
[x] I avoid food
[x] I hate food
[x] I love food, it's a love/hate relationship
[..] I want to be this way
[..] I don't want to be like this
[x] I wish I could have more control
[x] Being thin is my top priority sometimes allthetimes
[ ] I don't want to get better
[ ] I am in treatment
[x] I'm doing this for me
[x] I'm doing this for someone(anyone who's ever called me fat, or thought it)
[x] I'm doing this to prove myself

ok, it's seven thirty am. i'll go read your blogs now.
me & jay & lucy (that order) sitting in the grass.

[image removed.]