what helps?

wednesday i wanted to not-exist.
i first & formost needed to not be around my mother so i left for work.
i still wanted non-existance, so i took a paxil.
dam those things'll make you confused. drain all feeling, but atleast i can function - sort of.
i went to the movies with green, lucy & her (now ex-)boyfriend.
i ate way too much. green ignored me.
i talked to lucys bf (who she wanted to brake up with) & basically told him to do it.
we went to greens afterward & were sitting on a blanket in his yard. after a while we split up like we used too, lucy & her bf on the grass, while me & green wander over to the hammock. it always went like this.
it felt so good to be in his arms again.
but when we were leaving he made every excuse to not be alone with me.

thursday, i ate an entire medium pizza.
it happened like this,
i went to my friend's house, there were five of us; three first year uni guys, one guy in second, & me the still-in-high-school-girl. so as you can imagine these guys are all significantly larger than me.
anyways, lunch rolls around & we go buy six medium pizzas.
long walk there, long walk back. for lunch i somehow managed to eat the most; an entire pizza, eight drinks & half a bag of chips.
i'm disgusting.

so i head to school/work to meet lucy & green. when i get there i see jay (lucy's brother) & we pretty much immediately take off on an insanely long longboard ride to go to a store. we buy a cd i was looking for & since it's crazy hot out we decide to get drinks. i'm buying so jay's trying to make it cheap; we just get a big jug of peach juice. i'm a germaphobe so he gets me to drink first because after he's had some he knows i wont.
i stand there & chug.
he was skating around while i drank but stopped me after a second. i put down the bottle & looked at it.
half-gone.
that's over a litter at 110 calories per cup.
if he didn't stop me i probably would've drank the entire thing.
we take the regular way back to school & i ask him to take my board & i'll meet him upstairs in a second.
i look around, there's still a graduation ceremony going on in the auditorium so i can't make it to the sketchy bathroom. i head for the regular one & wait in line. thank god i end up in the wheelchair accessible one.
i take off my jacket & bag, & stand there & purge for a good twenty minutes. there was a heavy stream of traffic in the washroom the whole time but enough commotion for no one to notice me.
another fifteen minutes & they've all gone. i change out of my sweaty tank top for a nice blouse (thank god i practically live out of my bag) & clean myself up. cold water on my rosy face, a layer of makeup & no ones the wiser.
we all went to a big park(local ski hill but in the summer it's just a big hill). we climed the hard way, im the least athletic.
i finalized the following discovery;
lucy & green used to be best friends, before i started dating him & before lucy started dating his best-guy friend. now that both relationships are over, they're back to being best-friends. that's great for them, but where does that leave me? i can't talk to lucy anymore. i've been replaced, by the person i was replacing, who i also might just love.
i'm fucked.


friday.
i'm too distant to my friends. i scored 41% on my final math exam. in comes paxil.
i really don't want to be a drug advocate or anything, & i really don't enjoy taking it, but it seems to improve some days where i normally would just refuse to leave my bed.
i learned;
-me vs my small friends - i weigh the least. however they have actuall musle.
-one jogs every morning.
-one's on a "diet" where she skips meals, & she's exercising too.
she asked me for advice. (omgosh.) i gave her advice on how to eat healthier, & how much to eat to loose weight. i gave her healthy limitations, & that if she starved she could make herself sick & gain it back.
i think i'm a hypocrite. i only did it for her own good.

was fasting today, but mother came home & had to eat.
i didn't however have to eat as much as i did or have dessert. i wasn't hungry yet either, i did it because i was board. badbadbad.
i was as satisfied today as i was on thursday.
why doesn't huger work properly for me?

HELLO TO mikiriakasha, annie, sophie smith, violet summer chic, bella joan(petal), meg, ill follow u on my hands and knees, mikaelagamble, alicja, & comelynight.
(if i forgot you or spelled something wrong im incredibly sorry. & i cannot seem to find all of your blogs, so if your name isn't a link, drop me a comment so i can get to your profile from there.)

staystrong & sweetdreams;
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