victoria day post after a month.

hello all,
if you think i am, or have a suspicion that i'm a really crappy blogger, you're right. i am.
i could make all the excuses in the world - & believe me, i've got some good ones - but the point of this blog is for me to write through the shit of life, not avoid it.

if i was to write out my long list of things that happened, here would be a few things that would be top;

i've had a lot of suicidal thoughts. i've had worse times than this but don't always think so low, & i've had better times & still wanted to die; so i don't necessarily think that it's all of what's been going on but more of my mood. plus, this time around it's not so much my death that i've wanted, but more of me to not exist.

my relationship with green has been rocky, but i've not let on i feel that way. he's completely oblivious to my anger.

i'm bulimic. like totally from ana to mia.

i miss ana. she gave me the option feeling of more control.

my uncle shot himself. on purpose; he committed suicide. (a fact of which i neglected to tell green. probably doesn't help.) one of the more sickining problems with this is that i felt a tinge of envy.
his internment is a week today.

before i disappeared, i started a second blog. it never got anywhere. i had planned to fix it up & commit to writing but got a little distracted. it's inspired by total consumption, which is kiki bones's second blog that records what she eats. that is also the essential idea of mine. - but i hoped to also add daily musings & lots of foodish pictures. (might not make sense but when you see it done you will.)
here it is so far, but i hardly recommend bothering to look. when i do start making it worth your while i'll mention it again.

some days i purged everything i ate, & some day's i ate everything in sight without purging.
i've also had my first experiences with purging in public washrooms & schools.

i bought new sheets. which may seem kind of silly, but for a multitude of silly reasons it made me happy.

i've been a horrible reader of blogs. i do promise to try & catch up. & i think i have new followers? hello to you! & i'll check them out later too.

i've got much to say later, but that's all i can take for tonight.
happy victoria day!
staystrong, page.