a time of discoveries.

hello ladies!
sorry i'm such a lazy lard & haven't been posting.

i would like to note to Blanch that i will do her quiz thing, but i just want to come up with some better questions first. fear not, i haven't forgotten. ;)

FACT TIME. 

greens ex (let's call her nex) was totally anorexic. 

i'm incredibly intimidated(/terrified) of her.

she came to my school the other day, just for a visit. i saw her outside & had a panic attack.
i'd like to get something straight, i kinda admire her. she's sweet, gorgeous, & smart. i don't even know that her previously going out with green has much to do with it, her perfection is just fricking intimidating.

me & nex are very alike. 

so much so that a friend of ours, photoshoped a picture with my face, an equals sign, then her face.
..  anxiety attack commence.
we're compared a lot, even in personality. it's always meant as a compliment,
it just happens to scare the shit out of me.

sitting on greens lawn, bright sun. im tracing lines up & down his arms. 

i found little lines. only they were white. & well healed.
he nodded. [si lines.] they're way old, but must have been way deep.
he's just so outgoing, strong. i mean they're old-old, & people change.
i hate to say this, but it's almost like that having happened ..
i don't know how to describe it. but like because he's gone through it,
he'll be more accepting of my crazy.
which as unfortunate as it is that it happened, allows us to maybe be closer?

i ordered my ultimate frisbee jersey with my gw as the number. 

i've got my own moving thinspo plastered on my back.

i went shorts shopping, nothing fit right.

instead i bought a bunch of new water bottles, including; oscar the grouch (yeah, sesame street,) & a green one with dinosaurs that says ROAR.
i bought 40$ worth of socks ..
i bought more sunglasses because i wear a lot of them. mind you, i only wear outstandingly large & spectacular ones. i enjoy crazy glasses.

i learned to longboard.

i want to buy my own board so badly.

i have an incredably scratchy voice.

apparently in's insanly sexy.
but i sound like im dieing..
i also apparently sound like mily sirus (woah bad spelling) .. i donno what that means ..

i've been deturmined the whitest person in school.

my translucent makeup it too dark. (fml?)

i am 105. 

but you see, my 105 is big.
i still have a muffin top, i see no ribs.
the reason for this being that i have crazy low muscle mass.
i'm protein & iron deficient. i used to have to go to a gym, & work with a personal trainer, not because i was underweight, or overweight, but as a precautionary measure so i could, you know, stand/walk/maybeevenonedayjog.
my 105 is fat, unlike sophie who here is an amazing 113 & skinny as hell. <3

i'm not doing .. well .. *cough-failingaclass-cough* in school.

yesterday i met mia. she smiled.

` that'll be a post in itself.

I WANT TO GIVE A GIANT SCREAMING HELLO
to, lisa, lilliah, charne pappas, hotmess, anabelle Iris, bree, skinnylovin, trappedinsidemyself, mona, cookie eyes, hitomi, madison, sarah, anonymous blogger, helesaurus, jess, cyberfaerie, ma.mi.co, kristal, eden, feather air, rezzie, holly, x.x.
i will eventually get to reading you all, promise.

& i'm waayy behind on comment replying.
so after a minor rant about my insane 4000 calorie binges, tara posted the following;
" u kno it kind of sounds like maybe your body is craving certain essential minerals like mayb the cream cheese for the calcium or sodium and the peanut butter for protein. or tater tots for starch or sodium. u could take a daily multivitamin which could possibly decrease ur consumptions just based on ur body needfor certain minerals. so it's not that u can't control it eating but that ur body tries to get wat it needs out of the food that is available. does that make sense. so regardless of if I eat it cuts down on cravings ( wen I remember to take them)  "
well, she makes an excellent point. i once watched a documentary about people trapped on this raft & how they survived. they were eating fish right? just like the meat part, normally. but after awhile they started getting cravings for parts like they eyes & some organs. they didn't know which organs they were or why all of a sudden they had the compulsion to eat them. turns out the parts that they wanted, were rich in iron & some vitamins. they didn't really know it, but their subconscious did, & it took over telling them to eat it.
which is basically what she said.
but here's the thing about me; there's nothing nutritionally valuable causing me to eat half a tub of peanut butter or a box of chocolate chip cookies.
both thousands of calories, & trust me, i checked. i don't need them.
so tara is totally right, it just doesn't apply to my situation.
but thanks, i'll get a multivitamin. ;)

happy bilated seventeenth birthday lilliah!!
a big thank you to tara & kristal.

staystrong, page.