oh; you had goals in life? (a lonnng recap of saturday-tuesday and the tragic insanity in between.)

(1. this was a draft written on monday, so you may have to be mindfull of terms like "yesterday" or "today" ect.
2.this wasn't written in chronological order, but i attempted to put it into it to make it slightly easier to read.
3. comments & welcomes are at the bottom)

saturday; i binged.
sunday; wasn't good for food either.
was txting green into the wee hours of the morning, wants to hang out friday. only recently did i consider that he might have ment a date ..

monday;
lunch - i had tea. then like the self control-less person i am, borrowed money for a chicken burger. (i had left money at home to defeat that temptation.)
skipped out on auto for a trip to the library & to a gas station for some chi tea. (sweet-n-low & milk.)
ran into green & (previously mentioned friend of whom i'm tired of calling "friend" so will from now on call ..) lucy(?). they wanted to hang out after school. i did deniy because i have an english exam tuesday but they talked me into a few hours under the condition they would help me study.

after school;

i m  a  f u c k u p.

you see;
since i was a child, one thing has basically remained a constant in my life.

"page will become an engineer."

first i wanted to be a race car driver. wanted to work in the pit crew.
wanted to be a photographer for a short while; taking race car photos of course.
civil engineer. architect. design cars, parks, water systems. better engines for cars.
"page will become an engineer" always stood true.

today page failed physics.

49.

i can pass the course.
but other than gaining a credit, whats the point?
i can't get any sort of university engineering degree without an amazing physics mark.
its not even like i was slacking off. - im just not smart enough.
not for the physics i needed, or to even try at the chemistry that's required of me.
as previously mentioned, i am advised for a fifth year after graduation because i'm still undecided in a career path, but it was always assumed it'd be mechanical ..
guess not.

there goes my life's ambitions.

i called father. (after & while i cried for a few hours.)
figured he'd be disopointed. he wasn't.
told me i was still smart. that he'd help me figure something out.
i miss him more.


binged.


tuesday;
english exam in the morning.
usually i have mine done in the isp room so i'll get extra time. this year i went with my (academic) class. two hours - not enough time. i'm going back to the isp room next year.
doesn't matter my grade anymore, i can't get honers so as long as i get the credit it doesn't matter for this year.
had two hours after my exam before class would start, & i live 50min away .. so i stayed at school.
lunch with my friend jen.
we used to be pretty tight, haven't really talked in awhile.
we went out for pizza, she didn't say a word, didn't smile, didn't look at me.
i just watched her eat a huge piece of cheese covered greasy fatty meat on bleached white bread.
i did not want any. i did not want any. i did not want any. i did not want any. i did not want any.
i sipped away at my tea. yum. (:
(when we got back she pointed out that i had made the achivement for auto, highest mark. i felt guilty for skipping a class last week.)
i left jen a bit after we got back to school. - sat in the hall & worked.
if she was going to be distant, i could too.
talked to my physics teacher, blah blah blah.
caught up with lucy, we talked - her brother was with us, he's in her grade. hes very silent around me, but he seems like a very outgoing person. i'm fairly sure he's just put off by me, i wish i knew why.

BINGED.
i think i'm over 1700.
ateachocolatechipmuffin.ateafulltunapastrydinner.
ateasandwich.anicecreamcone.
atesoemebroccoli&cheese.abowlofapplesause.
there was more but it passed in such a blur. that was all after three o'clock. & most of that was down the hatch in less than twenty minutes.
crap.

kemper took a quiz from yummy-secrets that led to me taking a bunch of quizzes outlining how insane i am.
the results

anxiety screening quiz; 31
38 & up Severe anxiety
23 - 37 Moderate anxiety
6 - 22 Mild to little anxiety
0 - 5 No anxiety
only moderate! (that's not sarcasm, i'm happy with it only being moderate.)

depression quiz; 59
54 & up Severe depression
36 - 53 Moderate/severe depression
22 - 35 Mild to moderate depression
18 - 21 Borderline depression
10 - 17 Possible mild depression
0 - 9 No depression likely
ok, i actually don't think that i'm severely depressed, borderline, .. ok moderate depression is probable, but not severe.

eating disorder screening test; 7
6 & up Eating disorder is likely
4 - 5 Eating disorder is probable
0 - 3 Eating disorder is unlikely
*note; i don't classify myself as anorexic or ana;
1. my restriction isn't really that bad.
2. i'm not that skinny
3. i talk to a person in my head, but her name isn't ana, its page, & she doesn't just yell at me about food
4. i've never been diagnosed with any ed (though i might if i got tested, but i find even that doubtful) & finaly
5. though irregular, i still continue my period mostly.

OCD screening test; 19
12 & up OCD is likely
8 - 11 OCD is probable
0 - 7 OCD is unlikely
well .. my father thinks i have OCD. to an extent i agree.
i did some research, it can be triggered by anxiety; which i have.
& when i went wacko during this summer, i was depressed, & in a completely new & extremely isolated environment, triggering major anxiety, which lead to crazy ass off the wall OCD. but that's not all the time.

eating attitude test; 49
24 & up Likely / high risk
20 - 23 Probable / at risk
0 - 19 Unlikely
.. well i guess that was to be expected if you've read my blog ..

so.
according to online quizzes,
i'm crazy.
but; they're just online quizzes that really mean nothing.


- comment replies -
Kinsey; fasting gets a lot easier with practice, if you want i'll try a really low restrict with you?
yeah; my scale claims i'm 102, but i really doubt it. 1. its old 2. it's ancient (sorry i just can't stress that enough,) 3. i've used other scales & i've been higher 4. i can see myself in the mirror fine, & what i see isn't 102. + plus i'm incredibly out of shape. not just like out of shape a little flabby, but like my doctor is all mad because i'm not strong enough for my age, & keep getting winded & dizzy. so out of the supposed 102, none of it's muscle making me physically bigger.
i'm 165cm tall - or for those non-metric behind the times followers out there, i'm 5'5. ;) average height.

blanch;
i. envy. you.
=
agreed. very sexy. ;D

hello to Obsessed, Ariana, Polly & Blanch!