epiphany.

-edit-
song not for everyone. but i find stronger music the best to work out to. .. & i'm just gonna go ahead & warn you that the language isn't all that great during some verses too. enjoy(?);

wednesday thurday friday untill that party - any attepmts at fasting failed me.

friday was over 3500.
i ate durring the day for 700.
then; at the part i ate __'s & ____'s & ____'s brownies, & ______'s oreos, & two peoples fudge onto of my meal, which was the largest at our table. i was the only one at my table to finish. even some of the people who are bigger than me & split theirs with another person failed to finish their deserts.
mine was also the largest so it came seven ish minutes after everyone elses, i still finished before most of the people, & they only ate maybe a third.
i simply cannot stress to you how much there really was.
i'm horrible.

saturday morning (well really this morning, but its now 3:40am its now kinda sunday,) i spent a few hours washing, & cutting up, & preparing most of the veggies in my fridge.
i had been complaining that i never finished the celery or cucumbers i bought in the winter. i just really never feel like washing them when i want to eat them which is usually at midnight.
i made a greek salad out of the celery, & chopped the cucumber into sticks.
even with all the veggies i've still gone over 1200 today. & i didn't even eat when i went out.
today mother left.
i went out with lucy & her bf, (who's greens cousin,) a friend of his, & green.
we didn't do anything really, watched a movie, chilled talked. listened to music, very loudly in a good teenage sort of way where we had to scream to talk to the person next to you. all rave techno, which is odd but i'm getting used to it.

epiphany number one; i think i might actually be ready to go out with green.
epiphany number two; i think green is over me.

i do remember thinking that i like him, then realizing i think he's over me, but could it possibly be another moment of i only want him because i know i can't have him? (however unintentional that may be, it's still not good.)
my friends disagree with my second epiphany, apparently he doesn't seem like the kind of guy that would get over a person quickly.
that's plausible because 1. i know his past girlfriends, it's true 2. he said he wasn't going to move on anytime soon 3. i really should trust my friends on that one.
but they didn't see the way he looked at me. it was of pure friendship.
& yes i did beg lucy to get someone else to come, i really didn't want this to be very double date ish, so could it be that she told him that & he's giving me space because he thinks i'm over him? .. possible.
i want to talk to him in the morning.
i wanted to ask him out to breakfast. i wrote out the txt, but didn't have the courage to send it.

one good thing my confused rage led me to; turning up angry music very loud & exercising. but i think after the three chocolate oat bars i ate the exercising wont really help.

also, looking at greens legs while he was driving, uhm .. his pants wouldn't even fit me, & they were falling off him. thinsparation? why yes he is. but he didn't stop me from eating while i was at home, but didn't touch a thing while i was out.

i watched most of the miss america pageant.
you know how people watch like animal planet & are entertained by these amazing creatures that are totally scary but they aren't afraid because they're in the safety of their own home? that's how i feel watching the pageants.


father called, said he might come into town thurdsay, maybe pick me up?
-happiness!-

i'm in desperate need of a fating partner. in thinking of joining the many wonderful girls participating in the ana boot camp right now, just on their fasting days? still would like someone else though too, so if anybody's interested.

a big hello to Sairs & Kemper!

it's four in the morning here so you really shouldn't learn this by example, but regardless,
sleeptight & staystrong;
page.