peanut butter means death.

it's been a long time, im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry.

things that happened, (i'll try my best for chronologically.) ;

[ .. yeah - i did just spell "things" wrong but i somehow spelt chronologically right. .. *spelled .. fuck.]

(thursday `1950) -curling game = odd thinspo? watching girls crouched over in tight pants gives a good opportunity for leg examination. (why the tight pants? good question, i don't know! i wear sweats .. its cold.) never-the-less, live thinspo. (we lost; 0-11/6ends.) we're badd..
-our loss called for celebration; McDonals. saw HHG, my friends literally got up & left the table. to "give us space for a sec," hu?
walking back from Mcs;

friend - "Woah! look at -exbestfriend who's walking in front of us-'s ass!"

me - "what do you mean?"

"Look!"

"oh. uhm, yeah.."

point; leggings aren't pants, especially when you give up being an athlete at an athletic school & put on a few pounds. 

my friends are viscous.

(friday `2000) -went to green's. met his nana, aka, the sweetest person ever. lucy's met her a bunch before, & has told me this, but she's just so great!
it was her birthday so she was in town for the weekend.
she asked what grade i was in, i think she was hoping i would say first year uni or something, but when i mumbled eleven she was a little shocked. she made a point of repeating the fact that green had graduated a few times, but i think she got over it. we watched the beginning of marie-antoinette, & talked the whole time about how positively gorgeous everything is. oh the extravagance! i would love to live in a time like that! .. but i would have an OCD induced anxiety attack with the hygiene .. oh well. i bonded with nana. (:
i was invited to join them for the evenings festivities, but i had to go home, i was supposed to be studying.
green drove me home, & while sitting in my drive way confessed that he really just wanted to take off "into the sunset" & there was noting more in that moment that i wanted to do than say YES. but of course, im the responsible one.
i went inside, & upon announcing that i did come home, got yelled at by mother because i interrupted what she was doing. she was on brake from an online poker game. the only reason she bothered to yell was because she had a few minutes to do so before the game continued.  

why did i bother coming home?

[notes on the following; im a geek, caprica is a sci-fi show based off battle star galactica. mother's existence drives me off the wall. daddy lives far away. it's the OCD in my head + mother that makes me crazy.]

it's friday - i'm going to watch CAPRICA.

i'm safe.

mother enters the room.

she can't be here when i watch tv. 

she makes noises-asks questions-immitates accents-makes fun of 
faces/plots/situations/costumes/people/thingsshedoesn't(wantto)understand.

please leave.

please.

get out

goaway

Go-Away.

goawaygoawaygoawaygoawaygoawaygoawaygoaway.

she laughs. the room spins.

get-out. 

t e a r s.

 l a u g h i n g.

hyperventilate.

i need out. 

try&breath.

breath in 

..

..

(OUT DAMMIT - OUT)

..

huf-huf-huf-huf.

grab the phone.
dial - dial - try again - dail.
right buttons? sucsess.
tami picks up; "page? i figured it was you, only you would call this late."
.. -caller ID- ..
BREATH OUT. - ok.
isn't it eight there?
"yes"
ok, can i talk to daddy?
daddy - "what's wrong?"
mother.
"just b r e a t h. ok?"
-woosh..- ok.
very good thing daddy was sober tonight.

(saturday `1700) -went to a school play, sat in the booth to watch it. can't be in the auditorium. not prepared for people.

cast & crew lunch afterward, i was roped into going - AWKWARD. 

went to play pool in china-town with green lucy & chef afterward. green was a little off, lucy thinks its because he didn't want to go out, he wanted to stay in with me.

-me & green went to his house. finished marie-antoinette.

green kissed me. i laughed. .. 

-over the next few days i became a little concerned.

when green touches me, my heart races, when he kisses me, i feel nothing. bored even? i think i'm an extremely lousy snog.

-the evening was good, but i lost my necklace. fuck family airlume from tami's mom.

-BINGED.

(monday/tuesday? `1600) -went to greens, watched a comedy, finished it in his room.

his hand on my hip, i pushed it out as far as i could.

we talked, we looked through his old yearbooks, there was mostly silence i think.
& a little bit of making out. but i laughed. again.
i'm just to awkward for normalcy.
-BINGED.

(wednesday `1485) -had to say goodbye, green leaves thursday for europe. (march brake trip with school.)
-first on-school kiss, no longer worried with feeling nothing. i think there was a spark?
-BINGED.
(thurday) -failing anthro.
-called green at lunch to say goodbye again.
-got called out of class during math, went to the office, only to find green waiting for me. the office workers are infatuated with him. he came by to say goodbye, again.
-hypnotist show at my school; i went to the booth to watch. me & lucy called chef to come by.
i guess this is odd behaviors when i'm supposed to be entertained by watching my peers doing mindless things while looking like they're asleep, but i wasn't. everyone was busting a gut & i was falling asleep. in attempt to stay awake, i pulled the comfy chair out, got a lamp & a book & read in the back of the room.
chef - "aren't you having fun?"
page - "yeah i love this book." (:
chef - " .. "
- i resisted food until i was on my way home, about five. only a diet pepsi to wash some advil down, but my friends wanted to stop at the station on the way home for snacks. they stood in line & i obsessed over nutrition labels. i was pestered with enough questions about what the hell i was doing that i finally grabbed a beuno & payed.
- after dinner & all my day topped off at 548. not bad.
then around ten i got in quite a mood, & found the peanut butter. 740 calories later ..

1287. fuck.

-green is in germany by now. 

-replys.-

thank you thank you & thank you (you're all so sweet,) to athANAsy, Veilchenelfe & neverfit.

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