so here's my pain.

beginning of january; new year, new decade. i started a blog.
six posts in; mother found it.
she's not usually one to snoop. doesn't really have enough of an interest too, which i guess isn't a bad thing.
i was stupid. she wasn't home, i was formatting. went downstairs to finish laundry, came up, she was back, & on the computer. i closed the page. i don't know what she did after that.
it was odd; she talked to me. we don't talk; ever. said nothing of importance. gave no emotions away, just a vague sense that she was now holding something over me. something she would be prepared to use in the future. (not that i don't have my own arsenal of failed motherly experiences to be be used at my will,) (not that i ever will use them, but still.) none the less, words were exchanged, briefly, kinda.
i suspected she might have seen it. i checked ~----~ later; she'd read it.
looked into my life.
for her own fucked up amusement? so maybe she could dig up some dirt?
not that she'd have found any.
i was hurt; with what little emotion i'm able to feel theses days, betrayed; by any non-existent trust i have for her, & violated; she had read my thoughts, my feelings.

mind you that i am OH SO LUCKY. you see, six posts
in. not so much bad to be read.

a problem is, say this were a conventional diary. she reads is, & though it would be much harder to see that she had, there's a solution. i buy a better lock. i hide it farther away. but it's still mine. i still have it.
here? not that simple.
(not that she took away much; no followers, only basic layout modifications, easy enough to duplicate, maybe 20 views max. my title had to be changed, which sucks since it took forever to decide.) (update; i imported my posts, another easy modification.)
but she did take away my freedom to think, & type what & where i like.my new small insignificant to the rest of the world piece of refuge from her; stolen.

so yeah, i'm continuing to hate my mother.

"there's a lot, there's a little.
there's oh so very much.
so tragic; so cruel.
always a blur, a rush."